Stone, Fire, and Ice
by Spiffy Da WonderSheep
Summary: Buffy makes a trip to Los Angeles, Willow helps a friend, Angel gets... erm, turned to stone. UCS. Feedback = cookie!


Stone, Fire, and Sprit  
  
by: Spiffy Da WonderSheep  
  
Distribution: Ask first.  
  
Author's Note: I am stealing liberally from the movie 'Trick'. The song is written by Alan Chapman. If you haven't seen Trick, go rent it. Right now. I own neither Trick nor BTVS and am currently unemployed and living with my parents, which not only means I have time to write things like this, but that I have nothing worth suing over. About s6/s3 btvs/ats, but I really don't believe in continuity. UCS involved. You don't like it, tough noogies.   
  
-------------------  
  
  
She knew this was going to happen. And yet, the little conscience voice in her head that sounded a whole heck of a lot like her Zya Rosenberg kept reminding her she did nothing to stop it. Buffy'd been putting on that brave face while Xander and Anya put on their wedding, and she'd gone out whenever Willow had suggested some single's scene for a little Night On The Town, but of course, when the call came, she'd gone running to Los Angeles as fast as Giles' car could take her. And of course Willow had to drive her, because somehow the Slayer had managed to make it to age 21 in California without getting a driver's license. Enabling, that's what they called it in those 12-step programs. That's what you do when you help a person obtain their addiction.  
  
So they drove south, and when they reached the hotel it was up to Wesley to explain what had gone down to Willow, since Buffy had run directly to his side to cry and curse and demand that everyone leave her alone. The new girl, Fred, was traumatized by the event. Well, more traumatized than usual. She was still jumping whenever there was a noise, and Gunn had a time coaxing little Connor from her. "Angel told me to take care of him till he got home!" she had insisted repeatedly.   
  
"He's home now, Fred, look, I'll sit right here and you can watch me and make sure I don't drop him," Gunn said, sitting on the floor.  
  
Willow took note of the scene in her peripheral consciousness. She had been staring at the large puddle of goo that Wesley had poured on the counter. "Well, it-- seems to have lost cohesiveness in transport. I'd better draw a representation while it's fresh in my mind."  
  
"And leave us girls to clean up the mess you made. How typically male!" Cordelia's face had been extremely pale, and the jibe landed without her usual punch.   
  
"We'll find a way to fix him," Willow had promised Cordelia. And in true Scooby/Fang Gang form, they did. The demon's bite had turned Angel to stone, and the kiss of his true love would restore him. Well, literally translated, it said: "the Light of his Life will cure the stone sleep, and the Kiss of the Vessel of Light will break the curse."   
  
Willow would have bet a billion dollars and her right arm the text referred to Buffy. Deep down, in that secret part of her that really thought her right arm was useful, she was glad she hadn't.   
  
Since Cordy had been the one whose kiss had done the trick.  
  
So that was why Willow was sitting in a bar, drinking a Virgin Mary and dreading what she knew was coming next. The green demon took the mic from the demon who had just murdered "Coming to America" and said, "Tonight we have a special treat! A song close to my heart, from a woman who strikes to the heart! Everyone, remember this is a Safe Zone and please put your appendages together for... The Slayer!"  
  
Piano chords wafted through the speakers, and Willow groaned out loud. Buffy had only half an hour's head start on Willow, but she'd apparently downed quite a bit of liquor in the interim. At least that was what had happened last time Willow had viewed a performance of this song by Buffy.  
  
_I told my friend the writer how happy I would be  
If he'd write an opening number especially for me  
But when he had it finished,   
it came as quite a shock  
He handed me a song titled "How do you like my...."  
I said "You can't do that in public",  
I said even I wouldn't dare  
So he made a few small changes,   
Now I can sing it anywhere:_  
  
Pseudo-Latin piano break, and Buffy tossed the stool behind her and out of her way, so she could dance along to the music. The hoots and howls from the audience either meant they really liked her dancing, or they liked the song, or they wanted her to stop, Willow wasn't sure.  
  
_Como te gusta mi pinga   
en tus pantelones  
Como te gusta mi pinga   
y mis cojones  
It's the same old thing and the same old hole  
But when you say it espanol   
it sounds divine_  
  
The step-turn-step-look-hipshot move Willow had actually taught her, in an incident that involved the Trick soundtrack, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a magical relapse and a possessed chicken. Which she didn't really want to go into, even in her own mind. Although every so often she would be vacuuming behind the couch and find a feather.   
  
_Como te gusta mi pinga,  
es muy caliente  
Como te gusta mi pinga,   
es grande plente  
You don't go around shouting, "You're well hung"  
But when you do it in another tongue,   
it's just divine_  
  
The green demon sidled up next to her and swirled his drink in the glass. "Nice to meet you, my name's Lorne, your girl there has some serious angst going on."  
  
"I know," Willow said.  
  
"Ah, so the gang filled you in. Well, girlfriend, I think it's a good idea to get her off the stage as soon as the song's over, 'cause I see vomiting in her future." He handed her a keying, pointed to a hallway. "Third door on the left, my office. Private bath through the door on the right."  
  
Relief flooded through Willow. "Thank you!"  
  
"Hey, it's what any good Host should do. And don't rush anything, I won't be needing it for at least two hours." He winked and moved towards the stage. She followed closely behind, trying to time it just right---   
  
_When the hour is late and I don't have a date  
And I feel that I can't go on  
I lift up my head and I stick out my chin   
And I talk like Montalban -  
  
Como te gusta mi pinga,   
it sounds so neat-o  
Like a warm quesadilla   
or a pork burrito  
It's the same old cheese and the same old meat  
But when it has a Latin beat,   
it's okay  
Como te gusta mi pinga -   
Ole...!   
  
Ay! Ay! _  
  
The crowd went wild, applauding and stamping their lower appendages.The final "Ay!" and the accompanying overzealous bow caused Buffy to tip forward off the stage. Lorne grabbed the mic from her hand and Willow just managed to keep Buffy from falling flat on her face.  
  
----  
  
Remember to spay and neuter your demonic cats.  
SWS  



End file.
